First off, my laptop's charger is back to normal so that means I'd have a chance to blog more often in the future, thanks to my Dad. :D And that means I'd get HF's year end pictures from my friends' Multiply sites from the comforts of my own laptop. :D
This morning, I saw that one of my friends (whose writings I follow) created a new blogsite, and upon reflection, I thought that I could do the same. This was supported by my growing dislike at the content I have here in this blog. And I'm feeling the need (which is "want" disguising as a "need") to write in a different environment, where the environment I'm talking about is all my previous blogs. Some are just about-a-girl posts, relationship posts, I-am-running-dry-in-my-writing posts, activities, and all that. This doesn't mean, however, that the possibility of my writing the same kind of things will not be repeated in my new blog-to-be. I guess I just want a fresh start.
I'll be creating a blog at Wordpress.com and leave Blogger (for now?). I won't delete this account though, I'm quite a sentimental guy after all. I'll log on to this account every now and then to read my entries and reminisce (or cringe in disgust), and to keep this account from getting deleted. Sentimental.
So bye-bye Hedgehog's Dilemma. I guess I'm not as withdrawn as my blog's title suggests. (haha)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Editing that screwed up bitch out of my blog
Just a few minutes ago, I finished deleting those parts in my blog where I mentioned that pig-faced no-brainer, because I decided that I like this blog a lot so erasing traces of that moron would be a sensible thing to do. I am severely disgusted at myself for ever liking that airhead. The thought just irks me. So there, it's a relief to have erased them, that means I won't be put off into coming back to this blog space. I deleted my livejournal too. My blogs there are pretty useless anyway, though the parts I wrote for Erika were beautiful, they're just senseless ramblings of a guy who never took the chance, and who never loved anyway--until Lea came along. And so I commit the blog to the flames. I hope I'll be comin' around here more often.
***
Anyway, there's so much to do this week. Ugh. I hate it. I can't wait for Thursday to come. :)
***
Anyway, there's so much to do this week. Ugh. I hate it. I can't wait for Thursday to come. :)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I am tearing me apart.
I haven't blogged since Pacquiao won another fight. And here I am again. I don't wanna put this post in Multiply, since this is an "us" thing and I dont want that many people to see it.
But first things' first: I haven't blogged because I was busy, and I'm beset with the "too tired when I'm free, and too lazy if I'm not" thing. And I planned to blog last holiday season but my charger broke. How unlucky, really.
So here it goes: I'm a messed up person. For the first time in my life, I'm making good progress. I'm having the most wonderful relationship in my life, perhaps the only proper relationship I ever had and will ever have. I want this to last. I want to grow with her. But that's the thing: sometimes I'm not proving that I am. Yesterday, I cried to and all over her again (and her to me). Why? Because I'm so fucking stupid. AGAIN. Many times I felt that I'm the one who's straining this beautiful thing we have. I've hurt her so many times; I think it's even safe to say that I've hurt her more times than I was aware of. It hurts when she kept avoiding my eyes. When I kept talking to her for hours and she doesn't even say anything. I felt so goddamn stupid.
I hate myself because I can't ever be consistent in ANYTHING at all. I hate myself because I always hurt her. She who's got more scars than I do (despite the fact that my wounds are deeper). She who made my life so much better. Happier. Brighter (hahaha paramore). I hate myself for being so goddamn inconsiderate. I hate myself by not pausing to think about doing things that don't matter, but when it comes to important things, I hesitate.
I don't know why I'm this inconsiderate without even knowing. I've hurt people during the last year. So many. Most of my staff left me because I wasn't a good leader. Because I wasn't a good person to them. And last friday, I wasn't to the love of my life. Yesterday, I threatened that happiness again. I don't want this from ever happening again. But how can I know if doing something stupid again? How can I know if I'm hurting her? It's so hard avoiding those mines, laid out before me.
I feel like shit. Crap. I'm trying to veer away from the majority of jerks around the world yet here I am, becoming one of them (even if it was just a few times). I'd rather be hated by the world than be hated by her.
But you know (though I don't know who you are [probably]), maybe because of these things, our relationship gets better because we learn, and because there's something to compare the good times to. I learned my lesson. I JUST HOPE I ACT UP ON IT. Because I don't know, maybe the next time I accidentally hurt her would be the last. And I dread it like I fear imminent death.
But first things' first: I haven't blogged because I was busy, and I'm beset with the "too tired when I'm free, and too lazy if I'm not" thing. And I planned to blog last holiday season but my charger broke. How unlucky, really.
So here it goes: I'm a messed up person. For the first time in my life, I'm making good progress. I'm having the most wonderful relationship in my life, perhaps the only proper relationship I ever had and will ever have. I want this to last. I want to grow with her. But that's the thing: sometimes I'm not proving that I am. Yesterday, I cried to and all over her again (and her to me). Why? Because I'm so fucking stupid. AGAIN. Many times I felt that I'm the one who's straining this beautiful thing we have. I've hurt her so many times; I think it's even safe to say that I've hurt her more times than I was aware of. It hurts when she kept avoiding my eyes. When I kept talking to her for hours and she doesn't even say anything. I felt so goddamn stupid.
I hate myself because I can't ever be consistent in ANYTHING at all. I hate myself because I always hurt her. She who's got more scars than I do (despite the fact that my wounds are deeper). She who made my life so much better. Happier. Brighter (hahaha paramore). I hate myself for being so goddamn inconsiderate. I hate myself by not pausing to think about doing things that don't matter, but when it comes to important things, I hesitate.
I don't know why I'm this inconsiderate without even knowing. I've hurt people during the last year. So many. Most of my staff left me because I wasn't a good leader. Because I wasn't a good person to them. And last friday, I wasn't to the love of my life. Yesterday, I threatened that happiness again. I don't want this from ever happening again. But how can I know if doing something stupid again? How can I know if I'm hurting her? It's so hard avoiding those mines, laid out before me.
I feel like shit. Crap. I'm trying to veer away from the majority of jerks around the world yet here I am, becoming one of them (even if it was just a few times). I'd rather be hated by the world than be hated by her.
But you know (though I don't know who you are [probably]), maybe because of these things, our relationship gets better because we learn, and because there's something to compare the good times to. I learned my lesson. I JUST HOPE I ACT UP ON IT. Because I don't know, maybe the next time I accidentally hurt her would be the last. And I dread it like I fear imminent death.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Volunteer for Christmas Cheer
Note: This is homework. I didn't write it out of whim or pleasure.
Okay, so I wasn't really sure what would happen if I volunteered for something like this: charity work. Despite this, and a personal problem that has been pestering me for a few days back then, I went to Imus to meet up with Scott (the leader of this little jaunt) and the others. We (I met up with Shaira and Abby along the way) reached Scott's place at around 12 noon, or a little past that and waited for the others. Incidentally, it was also Scott's birthday, which was nice because he's going to spend most of it not receiving gifts but giving them. He was also an SK president, so I guess this is something natural to gain support and other favors.
An hour or so later, after a little bit of waiting and eating (which wasn't really that little; meanwhile, I didn't eat), we went to the school where we are to meet up with the kids and hold a sort of Christmas party and give them gifts. Upon arriving however, we did a lot more of waiting. Turns out the party's gonna start at around 5pm; we got there at around 2:30pm.
We loitered around on the first hour spent waiting, taking pictures. We would help prepare a little. On the most part, we hung out on the playground and took pictures.
That's us on the seesaws. --->
At around 4 or 4:30, kids were starting to come in, invading the playground which we left minutes before when we got tired (which we will attribute to the shock that our butts absorbed from sitting on the seesaws for long). When the children filled the playground to the brim, we felt it was our duty to watch over them. One of them is bound to get hurt somehow, which, thankfully, did not happen.
<---This is me assisting a little tyke hold on to that bar thing (sorry, don't know what it's called) because he was too short to reach it.
It took some time to call them all out of the playground and get them settled in seats prepared for them in front of the stage.
That's me settling them down while Denise (at left) is doing...what was she doing?
That's still me, making a face at the camera telling how delighted I am to be working with the little children I will soon have for dinner. Kidding.
The kids, all settled down and paying attention to the hosts of the party—us.
The kids showing a lot of enthusiasm over the games we prepared for them.
3rd and me, presiding over the game.
Christmas cheer. :)
And so, the festivities went on, and no body went home empty handed. Everyone won a prize, for everyone got a chance to join the games. After that, we gave them a feast, after which we gave them school bags courtesy of the SK.
The kids getting ready to receive their bags after a feast.
It was getting dark so we proceeded to the last part of the party indoors. It was quite a while before we got the kids to settle down. They were in high spirits, well fed and definitely enjoying themselves. For the last part of the party, each of the children received a generous gift, which came in different forms, from a Noche Buena food package, glassware (I don't know who donated that; I mean, why entrust it to a kid?), and a few rice cookers.
It was a real treat to see those kids' faces light up as they receive their prizes, as they played the games, and enjoy each other's company. That perhaps, it was one of the most enjoyable Christmases they had.
As for the company? Well, let's say Scott providing food for us topped the icing to our Christmas cake.
Okay, so I wasn't really sure what would happen if I volunteered for something like this: charity work. Despite this, and a personal problem that has been pestering me for a few days back then, I went to Imus to meet up with Scott (the leader of this little jaunt) and the others. We (I met up with Shaira and Abby along the way) reached Scott's place at around 12 noon, or a little past that and waited for the others. Incidentally, it was also Scott's birthday, which was nice because he's going to spend most of it not receiving gifts but giving them. He was also an SK president, so I guess this is something natural to gain support and other favors.
An hour or so later, after a little bit of waiting and eating (which wasn't really that little; meanwhile, I didn't eat), we went to the school where we are to meet up with the kids and hold a sort of Christmas party and give them gifts. Upon arriving however, we did a lot more of waiting. Turns out the party's gonna start at around 5pm; we got there at around 2:30pm.
We loitered around on the first hour spent waiting, taking pictures. We would help prepare a little. On the most part, we hung out on the playground and took pictures.
That's us on the seesaws. --->
At around 4 or 4:30, kids were starting to come in, invading the playground which we left minutes before when we got tired (which we will attribute to the shock that our butts absorbed from sitting on the seesaws for long). When the children filled the playground to the brim, we felt it was our duty to watch over them. One of them is bound to get hurt somehow, which, thankfully, did not happen.
<---This is me assisting a little tyke hold on to that bar thing (sorry, don't know what it's called) because he was too short to reach it. The kids hanging out at the playground. 
More kids on the playground.
A couple of minutes later, (which wasn't a couple at all; it was around half an hour) Scott came (he was doing something else, dunno what, don't care), signaling the start of the party. A little before that, we prepared the things we'll need for the party on the school's stage, which was just beside the flagpole which was also just beside the row of classrooms. (The stage was just a few yards from the playground so there wasn't much of a problem moving around from place to place.) It was time to call the children.
It took some time to call them all out of the playground and get them settled in seats prepared for them in front of the stage.
That's me settling them down while Denise (at left) is doing...what was she doing?
That's still me, making a face at the camera telling how delighted I am to be working with the little children I will soon have for dinner. Kidding.
The kids, all settled down and paying attention to the hosts of the party—us.And so, the party started. We started off with the usual introductions and proceeded to the games immediately with prizes in store for them.
3rd and me, presiding over the game.Christmas cheer. :)
And so, the festivities went on, and no body went home empty handed. Everyone won a prize, for everyone got a chance to join the games. After that, we gave them a feast, after which we gave them school bags courtesy of the SK.
The kids getting ready to receive their bags after a feast.It was getting dark so we proceeded to the last part of the party indoors. It was quite a while before we got the kids to settle down. They were in high spirits, well fed and definitely enjoying themselves. For the last part of the party, each of the children received a generous gift, which came in different forms, from a Noche Buena food package, glassware (I don't know who donated that; I mean, why entrust it to a kid?), and a few rice cookers.
It was a real treat to see those kids' faces light up as they receive their prizes, as they played the games, and enjoy each other's company. That perhaps, it was one of the most enjoyable Christmases they had.
As for the company? Well, let's say Scott providing food for us topped the icing to our Christmas cake.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Floating on a sweet green sea
Just went home from a hectic...er...okay, maybe not as hectic as hell, but it's an afternoon that sent me running and rushing. Even then, I spent the whole morning reading manga online (Beck by Harold Sakuishi, the story of young Koyuki and his friends who formed band and the struggles, tragedies, and glories they achieved and met along the way, which also draws an accurate picture of the viciousness of the entertainment world;) and bumming around.
The whole afternoon, I struggled to meet up with three different people in three different places to pick up articles and data for our upcoming magazine, careful not to make them wait too long (they told me to pick the stuff up on times 30 minutes apart). Since the the first one is in Dasma, the second in Imus and the third one somewhere in Imus that I don't know. But I managed.
Green Apple Sprite Float is addicting (I'll get tired of it, probably). I want another one. I know, it's just another junkfood, but it's alright. And I'm worried I'm eating more McDo stuff more often than usual lately.
Geez, I can't wait for next week. I'll see her again. :)
***
I need to read more books. I'm really running low on creative juices. Fuck.
***
The results for the EB exams and interview are coming out tomorrow. Damn it, I'm getting really apprehensive about it. Er, actually, no. I am. I don't know what to do, really, IF I get the job. Wake up, wake up *slaps face repeatedly*.
The whole afternoon, I struggled to meet up with three different people in three different places to pick up articles and data for our upcoming magazine, careful not to make them wait too long (they told me to pick the stuff up on times 30 minutes apart). Since the the first one is in Dasma, the second in Imus and the third one somewhere in Imus that I don't know. But I managed.
Green Apple Sprite Float is addicting (I'll get tired of it, probably). I want another one. I know, it's just another junkfood, but it's alright. And I'm worried I'm eating more McDo stuff more often than usual lately.
Geez, I can't wait for next week. I'll see her again. :)
***
I need to read more books. I'm really running low on creative juices. Fuck.
***
The results for the EB exams and interview are coming out tomorrow. Damn it, I'm getting really apprehensive about it. Er, actually, no. I am. I don't know what to do, really, IF I get the job. Wake up, wake up *slaps face repeatedly*.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
walking without looking
The editorial board application panel interview (is this technically right?) was just finished a few hours ago.
It started at around 10 am (or a few minutes before 10), where, as if like a joke, I was called first. Getting down to it, I think my answers were okay. But I was...er, disappointed at how much I still don't know and how much I still haven't got planned. It's frigging stupid really, that I've been working two years for the pub(lication) and I still haven't read Republic Act 7079 (there's another net browser tab open right now with the said republic act). I felt stupid. It's like I went and applied for the position without knowing that much about the thing I'm getting myself into.
It's been years, really, since I've taken anything seriously. Time to wake up, Paul.
***
I rode a jeep with the other two panelists for that day (Kuya Junjun and Ate Maycee) which surprised me. My friend joked that my interview wasn't done yet. Oh hell. hahaha.
It started at around 10 am (or a few minutes before 10), where, as if like a joke, I was called first. Getting down to it, I think my answers were okay. But I was...er, disappointed at how much I still don't know and how much I still haven't got planned. It's frigging stupid really, that I've been working two years for the pub(lication) and I still haven't read Republic Act 7079 (there's another net browser tab open right now with the said republic act). I felt stupid. It's like I went and applied for the position without knowing that much about the thing I'm getting myself into.
It's been years, really, since I've taken anything seriously. Time to wake up, Paul.
***
I rode a jeep with the other two panelists for that day (Kuya Junjun and Ate Maycee) which surprised me. My friend joked that my interview wasn't done yet. Oh hell. hahaha.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Another February complication
This site felt like a room, well, more like a house I haven't visited for a few months now. It's dusty here and there. I've realized that there are things here I should probably dispose of now. But maybe I'll do it later. It can wait.
It's been...oh, almost two months. Maybe one and a half. What has happened since then?
I've gotten over Julie. It's old news. I just don't see why I should continue pursuing her. It's, I dunno, irritating, annoying, to see myself just easily like people and easily 'un-like' them. Sometimes I'd think, maybe I'm no different from most guys out there.
Last February, I've finally met Lei, this amazing and interesting person who's...damn, I'm going to sound sappy again if I continue. Anyway, yeah, I've met her. The girl who writes blogs that just means so much and tells her stories beautifully and only in the way she could. She has been my online friend for more than a year now, and finally meeting her then was like meeting a celebrity, honestly. Well, at least that's how it felt.
I guess I'm at it again. I do like her, and I never really knew when it started nor when I realized that I did, but I think it was just this year, around January. Her stories and the way she tells them enticed me, made me wonder who she really is, until I desired to know her better. 'Like' became something else. It was a stronger version of it, gaining magnitude as I knew her more, gaining momentum.
Until I found out that she was committed to someone, my feelings were rushing too fast. Then it made me think for a few moments and slowed down. It was a good call, I think. To not hurry, and take things at a slow pace. I was in shock, because I had the notion that she's...well, single. But lately, I've realized, does it matter? Do these rules matter?
We've been seeing each other a lot recently, and they are the most amazing and the happiest moments of my life so far. I've never been happier. They're something I wouldn't like to share with many people. Actually, I wouldn't like to share every little bit of it at all. Because those moments are ours alone. I'm *plays Chasing Cars at full blast* with her.
True, I've felt guilty sometimes because I felt what I was doing seemed wrong from a social perspective. It was a sort of disrespect to the other guy, my best friend said. But is it wrong to make her happy the way I do? Is it wrong to spend some moments (okay, whole days) with her alone?
Many times, I've thought I haven't always followed my heart's desire because I give up easily or I let other people have their way. And I think, shit, will I stop again? But if I don't, it means I'd have to sort of step on other people (well, okay, on a person) to follow my heart's desire.
I really don't know if I should continue like this at all.
But well, I still do it anyway. Why? Because I can't stop. The big ball has rolled and I don't know how to stop it. My only fear is what happens if it did stop, and under what circumstances.
I just can't let anything or anyone get in the way of my happiness. It's selfish I know, but for what purpose do we live anyway?
***
Anyway, good news! One of my friends from school just transferred in our subdivision. She's living three blocks away from us and damn I'm overjoyed to finally have someone I know live really near, I mean that would be fun! Well, it's only actually fun when Joycen is around to be honest hehehehe. But who knows? It might get interesting. I haven't had a neighbor whom I know and see around in like..what, more than a decade now? I'm just, i dunno, quite happy. I hope more friends would come and transfer nyehehehe.
It's been...oh, almost two months. Maybe one and a half. What has happened since then?
I've gotten over Julie. It's old news. I just don't see why I should continue pursuing her. It's, I dunno, irritating, annoying, to see myself just easily like people and easily 'un-like' them. Sometimes I'd think, maybe I'm no different from most guys out there.
Last February, I've finally met Lei, this amazing and interesting person who's...damn, I'm going to sound sappy again if I continue. Anyway, yeah, I've met her. The girl who writes blogs that just means so much and tells her stories beautifully and only in the way she could. She has been my online friend for more than a year now, and finally meeting her then was like meeting a celebrity, honestly. Well, at least that's how it felt.
I guess I'm at it again. I do like her, and I never really knew when it started nor when I realized that I did, but I think it was just this year, around January. Her stories and the way she tells them enticed me, made me wonder who she really is, until I desired to know her better. 'Like' became something else. It was a stronger version of it, gaining magnitude as I knew her more, gaining momentum.
Until I found out that she was committed to someone, my feelings were rushing too fast. Then it made me think for a few moments and slowed down. It was a good call, I think. To not hurry, and take things at a slow pace. I was in shock, because I had the notion that she's...well, single. But lately, I've realized, does it matter? Do these rules matter?
We've been seeing each other a lot recently, and they are the most amazing and the happiest moments of my life so far. I've never been happier. They're something I wouldn't like to share with many people. Actually, I wouldn't like to share every little bit of it at all. Because those moments are ours alone. I'm *plays Chasing Cars at full blast* with her.
True, I've felt guilty sometimes because I felt what I was doing seemed wrong from a social perspective. It was a sort of disrespect to the other guy, my best friend said. But is it wrong to make her happy the way I do? Is it wrong to spend some moments (okay, whole days) with her alone?
Many times, I've thought I haven't always followed my heart's desire because I give up easily or I let other people have their way. And I think, shit, will I stop again? But if I don't, it means I'd have to sort of step on other people (well, okay, on a person) to follow my heart's desire.
I really don't know if I should continue like this at all.
But well, I still do it anyway. Why? Because I can't stop. The big ball has rolled and I don't know how to stop it. My only fear is what happens if it did stop, and under what circumstances.
I just can't let anything or anyone get in the way of my happiness. It's selfish I know, but for what purpose do we live anyway?
***
Anyway, good news! One of my friends from school just transferred in our subdivision. She's living three blocks away from us and damn I'm overjoyed to finally have someone I know live really near, I mean that would be fun! Well, it's only actually fun when Joycen is around to be honest hehehehe. But who knows? It might get interesting. I haven't had a neighbor whom I know and see around in like..what, more than a decade now? I'm just, i dunno, quite happy. I hope more friends would come and transfer nyehehehe.
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